We are a pair of villains,
We're the worst you ever saw.
We're trying hard to break in jail,
We've broken ev'ry law.
The jails are so exclusive,
Now it really is a sin,
You have to bribe the keepers,
Or they will not let you in.
If you have no money,
They will throw you out.
We killed a doll a year ago,
We stabbed it with a gun.
They wouldn't lock us up,
Because they didn't see it done.
We're pirates, and we're burglars
And we kill folks now and then,
But otherwise, we are a pair
Of strictly moral men,
And that is why we're free
To roam about.

    Don't be a villain, boys,
    For crime is bound to fail,
    'Twill cost you all your earnings
    To stay a week in jail.
    Don't be a villain, boys,
    Unless it's in a play,
    Oh, do not be a villain for,
    You'll find it does not pay.

We are so bad that on the whole,
We couldn't tell you half.
We love to see a woman cry,
Because it makes us laugh.
Last summer we were sleighing
Up around the Toyland flats.
We slayed a flat house janitor,
And eighty-seven cats,
If we had a larger sleigh
We'd sleigh his wife.
When we were boys, two bad men came,
And killed us while we slept.
They took our lives, and went away,
But after them we crept.
We caught them and we killed them both,
They made an awful fuss.
The judge said that it served them right,
For they had just killed us,
But we were angry when he gave them life.

    Don't be a villain, boys,
    But live a life of peace.
    There are not many villains,
    Excepting our police.
    But do not join the force,
    The pay is very small.
    If you can't own an auto,
    Don't be criminal at all.

When we were very little boys,
Our stealing first began.
One day while at a baseball game,
We stole a base and ran.
We went into a fur store,
And we saw a muff and stole.
We robbed the village bakery,
And got the baker's roll.
And since then the baker hasn't had a bun.
We tried to corner copper,
But we found it wouldn't work.
The copper was a roundsman,
And his name was Michael Burke.
We cornered him behind a house,
He clubbed us both so hard,
He thought we'd die by inches,
But we fainted by the yard.
Now frenzied finance is a thing we shun.

    Don't be a villain, boys
    For you'll get but little thanks.
    You'll have to be a lady,
    If you go robbing banks.
    Don't try to rob the banks,
    It's no work for a man.
    Unless you are a robber
    On the Cassie Chadwick plan.