The things that I can't have I want
    And what I have seems second-rate,
The things I want to do I can't
    And what I have to do I hate,
    The things I want at once come late,
I am not feeling gay nor gleg,
    I'm really in an awful state,
My life is like a scrambled egg.

If I should order elephant
    They'd put camel on my plate,
If I should seek a wealthy aunt
    A poor old uncle'd be my fate,
    If I should say, "You amputate
My foot, and bring me a wooden peg,"
    They'd probably cut off my pate;
My life is like a scrambled egg.

The things I want most of are scant
    The girls I really love won't mate,
The times when rage would make me rant
    My larynx won't articulate;
    Should I arrange some morn at eight
To bear my brains out with my leg
    I'd probably forget the date;
My life is like a scrambled egg.

The simplest matters won't come straight,
    For once I wood a maid named Meg
And very nearly married Kate;
    My life is like a scrambled egg.