Old man Combes goes to the doctor.
"Oh, doctor, I'm really sick!
My stomach is -- how shall I put this? -- gurgling
Like an old lemonade siphon.
In short, I've got something in there
That won't pass... Something that just won't pass."
The doctor says: "Tell me...
What is it, a bill?
 
"Let's see," the doctor continued, "do you have a moment?
Please, have a seat.
It won't take long to see what's inside.
I'm going to open up your abdomen."
"Hey!" said Combes, "wait right there! Zounds!
It seems, doctor, that I'm feeling better already...
And, you know, I'm not curious.
Don't trouble yourself over such a little thing."
 
"Now, now," says the doctor, "Don't worry yourself!
To me it's as simple as emptying a bottle,
And I'm on a roll: This morning I've already
Opened several dozen oysters.
Don't be afraid, you'll feel
Absolutely nothing. I'm going to pinch your nose.
The whole thing will be done cleanly,
And faster than a coin purse!
 
With that, he operates, he looks and he says:
"Up till now you've had no chance
Of liver disease, but as far as consumption is concerned,
It's a sure thing; it's already galloped.
In your bronchial tubes, oh! what a north wind!
It's causing a draft in the corridor;
Your lungs seem to be breathing
Something other than saintliness!
 
"Oh! here's the heart! Goodness, it isn't very big;
I could put it in my pocket.
Fancy that! You carry it -- and this is very elegant --
Gallantly on the left auricle.
It truly seems affected
By an extreme sensitivity,
And must bother you terribly;
I believe it shall have to be removed.

"Oh, how unusual! You've really
Outdone yourself! I'll be damned!
How could you have unscrewed
Your aortic arch all on your own?
Oh! you're a real clever one,
By Jove! I see it there, on the other side of the kidney.
You must be strong, my boy,
Really, very strong ... hitting the bottle!
 
"Let's have a look at this belly... it's really hollow...
Its state -- (Stay still!
Oh, my poor friend, you're awfully ticklish!) --
Its state, as I was saying, is terribly frail.
Your small intestine truly
Has no smile, is not engaging;
Between you and me, I've never seen
A more poorly-maintained interior.
 
"Oh! what filthy entrails! But what a fine opportunity
For you, and so uncommon,
To say hello to your old colon,
Since at the moment it's visible!
(Don't wriggle about like that!
You've made my lorgnette fall in.
If I don't find it in there,
You'll have to pay for it.)
 
"Now, who was saying that you have a stomach?
It seems like yours is really living it up;
I don't see it." "Look a little lower, then,"
Calls a voice from beyond Combes.
"Pardon me," says the doctor, "I've got it!"
It's dreadfully low; it's beneath your heels.
Blimey, but it is worn out!
We'll have to have it resoled.
 
"Now, wait a minute! Good Lord! What am I seeing here?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven beans!
So secretive -- you could have been king on Twelfth Night!
But your dreams are more modest than that.
And what is this, now? a pencil eraser,
A papal coin... that must be it...
You innocent, did you think
Even for a moment that that would pass?
 
"It'll all be fine," said the doctor, having put
All these things back in place.
"Oh! let's have a look at the tongue -- not too dirty... Today,
Drink nothing but Clos Wallace...
 
"By the way, come by tomorrow
And I'll open up your skull; there might be something in there.
But wash it first, scrape it;
I don't want to find any hairs."